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Home / I caught my spouse cheating


Infidelity is just a text message away. Technology has made secret relationships easier to have — and easier to uncover.

“Cheating and it’s consequences are one of the most devastating moments in a relationship – it pushes the non cheating partner through a process of grief, anger, depression & self harm.” -Dr Tina Gupta.

When you are not contemplating a separation and where children are involved following suggestions may help to handle the situation:

1) Stay calm. Do not let anger and impulse bring further damage. Do not post comments on social media rather talk to a trusted friend or take professional help to cope up with the situation.

2) Be direct with your partner. Once you have discovered an affair tell your partner straight that “I am aware”, hiring detectives, fishing more call records only adds to greater anguish. Leave the gory details – they only act as traumatic flashbacks.

3) Make an honest assessment of the relationship. Cheating discovered in first few months of dating is different from cheating in a decade old marriage where two kids are also involved. Make a real diagnosis, where cheating is the symptom not the etiology. Find the root cause , did your partner feel neglected ?

4) Go inwards: each partner should work on individual issues for at least 6 months. Marriages can recover after betrayal.

5) It is not about you. Unfortunately some people take personal blame and develop long term difficulty to start new relations or trust someone.

6) Leaving is a strong choice but this decision should be based on many carefully balanced factors not just your emotional trauma.

7) Identify what you need from your partner. Try not to make cheating a moral issue. Try to work together towards healing. Try to know what are each other’s needs and work to achieve them.

8) Avoid making a split second knee jerk decision.

9) Decide if you want to save the Relationship. A therapist should be involved in that case to help normalcy develop in marriage.

10) Even if this is a deal breaker take therapy to part ways with as little Psychological scars as possible. When completely non negotiable walk out with a clear mind.

A Final suggestion:
” Take a deep breath, see all the reasons why you should or should not stay in the relation. First empower yourself- deciding to walk out when emotionaly devastated is not the best option. After an event of cheating, get into the driver seat decide what you want, where the relation will go, how to repair and heal yourself. Don’t rush it – go slow.”